A Big Fat Loser
Well, tonight I am officially a big fat loser. Allow me to elaborate…
I was riding my bike home from work this afternoon, when I noticed a cute girl with a nice butt riding her bike just in front of me. Actually…I'm not doing her justice. What I saw in front of me was probably the nicest, tightest, most fit, most amazing ass I've seen in a long time. Maybe even the nicest ass I've ever seen, or ever existed…in black tights, riding just in front of me. It's the type of ass I'd dreamt of getting to know, only this time, it's not a dream: It's real and in the flesh. Don't get me wrong: I've been with some nice looking women in my time, but a butt like this is the stuff of fantasy. I never thought I'd see one in real life, and never so close. I'm not a religious man, but if there is such a thing as a higher power, if there ever was proof that God exists and has influence on Earth…this ass was it.
The moment I beheld that rear end, I knew that it was placed there for me. I could almost hear God talking to me:
"Dude, you've had it pretty rough recently. Your separation with your last girlfriend took a lot out of you, and though you managed to recover emotionally, you've had quite a run of bad luck with the ladies since then. As you have endured much hardship, I pity you, and so I give you this: The nicest ass I could put on a woman. You have to earn it though: You must catch her, and she's pretty fit, so it won't be easy. You have five blocks of green lights where you have to keep up with her, and then you'll hit a red light, at which point she'll stop. Now Dude, listen carefully: All you have to do is say something, anything…and she'll be yours. This is my gift to you."
And so the chase began. She was fast, but that butt of hers gave me the strength of many men (or at least one athletic one). Finally, I saw a purpose for all this bike riding I'd been doing, as if fate wanted me to have the best chance possible to win this one prize…and I wasn't about to disappoint it.
Bit by bit, I closed in on her, and as I did, I could pick out small details: Some wavy, dirty blonde hair sticking out from under her helmet, smooth tanned arms, a pretty face…basically, she was attractive all over. She had on a backpack as well, so I figured she was also going home from work. Good, I thought: It gives us something in common, something to talk about.
I pressed on, through intersection after intersection...climbing hills, dodging potholes and oblivious pedestrians, and swerving around double parked cars and killer taxis, until finally, we reached the red light. As I pulled up next to her, I could see that this vision of loveliness was even more beautiful up close. I was breathing heavy…both from the workout, and from the excitement and anticipation. This was it, the moment I'd been working up to for the last five blocks. This was where I would be rewarded for all my suffering of late. This is where fate, and karma, and God himself give me what I deserve. All I have to do is say something, and that ass can be mine. I opened my mouth…and nothing came out.
That's right. I sat there on my bike, after all that work, looking at this angel, this gift from heaven…and said nothing. No words, not a sound. Then, the light turned green, and off she went. I could hear a clap of thunder roll in the distance, and imagined it was God slapping his forehead, and then shaking it in disbelief. He gave me one chance, and I blew it.
I continued after her, convincing myself that maybe a different version of me would be the one to catch her at the next light…but it was not meant to be. She easily went through a red at the next intersection as if the traffic was parted by an unseen hand, and by the time I got there, the sea of cars continued its flow. I was blocked, she and her ass were gone, and with them, any lingering doubts about my status. Maybe tomorrow will be different, maybe tomorrow I'll do better, but tonight…I'm going to bed a big fat loser.
