The Loser Test

Hey dudes! Are you constantly being called a loser by friends, family, and passers-by? Is all that name calling leading you to believe that you actually may be a loser?

Finally, there's a definitive test to find out for sure. You'll need some sort of writing implement to keep score, and the scoring chart at the end will give you your answer. Begin.

Question 1: People ask you how you met your girlfriend. What do you tell them?

a) You admired her for a long time, and after some hard work, you finally won her heart. 4 points

b) You picked her up in a bar. 3 points

c) You met her online. 2 points

d) You ordered her online. 1 point

Question 2: You're walking down the street, and you spot a twenty dollar bill on the sidewalk. What happens?

a) You bend over to pick it up, and find that there are actually two twenties stuck together! 4 points

b) You bend over to pick it up, and thus are twenty dollars richer. 3 points

c) You bend over to pick it up, and rip your pants in the process. The tailor charges you ten bucks to fix it. Hey…you're still up ten bucks. 2 points

d) You bend over to pick it up, simultaneously ripping your pants and throwing out your back. While sitting in your underwear at the tailor shop, the police show up to answer a call about a counterfeit twenty. Your back still sore, they throw you in a cell with a big hairy biker named Cindy who finds your doubled over, helpless posture "damn sexy". 1 point

Question 3: You're walking down the street, and you see a beautiful woman coming towards you. What do you do?

a) You use your charm and charisma to get her phone number. 4 points

b) You lie to get her phone number. 3 points

c) You open your mouth to talk to her, but nothing comes out but a faint squeaking sound. 2 points

d) You take a good, long look at her so you can "think" about her when you get home. You then rush home. 1 point

Question 4: It's been a while since the last time you've had sex. What do you do?

a) You take out your little black book, and are doing the deed with someone by nightfall. 4 points

b) It takes you a couple of days, but you eventually find someone to have sex with. 3 points

c) You call an escort service. Why should you slave over a hot stove when you can order a pizza? Right? 2 points

d) You find yourself getting aroused when your dog starts humping your leg. You let him finish. 1 point

Question 5: You take a beautiful, new girlfriend to a party. What happens?

a) She offers to go home with you at the end of the evening…and invites a sexy female friend to join the two of you! 4 points

b) She goes home with another guy at the end of the evening. No problem, there are other hot chicks to choose from. 3 points

c) She goes home with another guy at the end of the evening, but asks you if you'll come along to operate the video camera. You consider it. 2 points

d) Your overenthusiastic make-out session on the couch causes her to spring a leak, and you helplessly watch her deflate as you regret not having brought along your rubber repair kit. 1 point

Question 6: For your 40th birthday, you decide to buy yourself a new car. What do you do?

a) You go to the dealer, pick out the car you want, and pay cash. 4 points

b) You go to the dealer, pick out the car you want, minus the options you can't afford, and finance it. 3 points

c) You go to the dealer, pick out the car you want, and get refused financing due to poor credit. The last thing you see after they throw you out is them laughing at you. 2 points

d) You bring your new car home, and spend the weekend assembling it on your kitchen table while getting high off the model glue fumes. You then cry yourself to sleep. 1 point

Question 7: You apply for a job. How does the interview go?

a) Great! You got the job: A full time position with great benefits and the salary you wanted. 4 points

b) Okay. You got the job: It's only part time, with no benefits but with a chance for advancement. 3 points

c) Not so good. You didn't get the job, and the interviewer files a sexual harassment charge against you. You apologize to her…and give her back her shoes. 2 points

d) You refuse to give back her shoes. 1 point

Question 8: You're at work, and you hear on the radio that your neighbourhood was just hit by a tornado. Panicked, you leave work early and rush home to survey the damage. What do you find?

a) Your house is the only one in the neighbourhood untouched by the tornado. 4 points

b) Your house is damaged. It's okay…no one got hurt, and the insurance will cover it. 3 points

c) Your house is totalled, you have no insurance to cover the loss, and your porn collection is spread out all over the lawn for everyone to see. 2 points

d) Your wife is in bed with your boss. He fires you for leaving work early. 1 point

Question 9: On your first date with an attractive woman, what do you do to impress her?

a) You take her to an expensive dinner, a show, and drinks at an exclusive club. 4 points

b) You take her out for pizza, pool, and a beer at the local bar. 3 points

c) You take her home (to your parent's basement) to show her your Star Wars action figure collection, and get angry when she asks you why you don't have a "Captain Kirk". 2 points

d) You take her up in your rocket ship to meet Elvis, Jim Morrison, and Jimi Hendrix at their castle on the moon, where you impress your date with your awesome guitar playing during a wild jam session. Why not? The woman's imaginary, so the whole evening might as well be. 1 point

Question 10: Which phrase best describes your commute home from work?

a) You drive home in a luxury SUV, insulated from the sounds and smells of the city, listening to a kick-ass sound system. 4 points

b) You drive home in an ordinary car like the rest of the masses. 3 points

c) Who can afford a car these days? You take the subway home, reading a book to pass the time and hoping that's just water on the floor. 2 points

d) You stand in the rain waiting for the bus while a homeless guy humps your leg. You let him finish. 1 point

Bonus Question: You book a vacation to Mexico. How does it go?

a) You have a great time surfing, partying, and meet lots of women. 4 points

b) You have a good time, get a little sunburned, and lose a little money gambling on cockfights. 3 points

c) You get diarrhea from drinking the water, shot at by drug dealers, and that girl you made out with at the club was actually a dude. 2 points

d) You miss that dude. 1 point

Time to add up your score.

31-44 points: Congratulations! You're a cool dude, or at least, normal. Whew!

21-30 points: Your luck's not that great, and you've made some bad decisions, but hey, look on the bright side: At least you're not a loser!

11-20 points: Ha-ha! Loser! People are right to make fun of you. By the way, if you scored less than eleven points, you're a loser who also sucks at math.